apocalypsesweet: From 'Welcome to the Black Parade' music video, it shows the band in the distance on their float. (Black Parade)
Last night I slept. It was a nice solid sleep where I had dreams that did not disturb me and I woke up only a few minutes before my alarm clock goes off and pulls me out of bed. It was ice-cold in the house because my brother cares more about his comfort than mine. Normally, I wouldn’t care if both parties were putting forth equal work or one was putting in more than the other. But, my brother does nothing all day, just lounge in his chair playing video games and listening to music. Myself on the other hand, works two jobs, go to school and volunteers (thank god for online classes). I also woke up with the slow on saught of my nerves reminding me that in an hour I’ll be at work and on the phones, my stomach was upset my hands were shaking and I just wanted to stop. I wanted to curl up and take a point and give up,

But, last night, I was able to get my Klonopin (we’re still working on finding an anti-depressant that won’t make me suicidal that my insurance plan covers. So far, we think Paxil might be it.) So, I took the Klonopin right before I shot off to work. So far, it has been amazing for me. My nerves are calm, my thoughts are not rushing, suddenly it feels like I can handle everything. I just worry that I will run out of that before I can get an anti-depressant into my system. I meant to bring my cellphone to work and leave it in the car, but alas it turns out I forgot it half way there, it is still charging on my desk, alongside the boxes of textbooks I need to open and needing to call the Doctor’s office anyways to pay my payment arrangements for the month.

I had a lot planned to do during my lunchbreak that without my phone I suddenly can’t do. But, its alright. I can try and do it when I get home. I can send emails to my Doctor’s office about the status of the anti-depressant, at least right now, I can think. I am not biting at some reign waiting for something terrible to happen. I am adoring it.

Work wise, I still have five and a half hours to go, but its alright. I think I can do it. I got three and a half out of the way already. At lunch, it is all downhill from here. And so far, the calls have been pretty easy too, except of course, the one that dropped on me. I was unable to call her back because of the number of calls in queue. When I went to check on her account, it appears that someone else had already jumped in and was able to save it. I am glad they were able to do it. I am glad I am back here at work, earning some money so I can pay my rent and for my car and my bills and other things like that.

A part of me wonders if the Klonopin is really a sugar pill, and the idea of a pill sliding down my throat to help me is really what calms me down. This is why I don’t trust medications. But, then again, right now if it is working, why should I care? Sugar pill or not.

But at least it is working. It is allowing me to think my own thoughts again. I adore it. Tonight when I get home, I feel like I’ll be able to curl up with a textbook and read it and then be able to write my responses to it. And if it is allowing me to focus to read again, to write again, to write something more than self-indulgent whining.
Well, who am I to complain, sugar pill or not?


Its now 7:46pm, I was able to get an anti-depressant and a call back from a Psychologist about questions for my pre-screening and about my health insurance. I missed the call due to my cellphone being left at home, but I did get the email about the medication. They put me on Celexa and I took it when I got home. I figure if I do the anti-anxiety in the morning it will keep me calm during the day (like today) and at night the anti-depressant can help me sleep. That way I am not over loaded with anything that might make me want to sleep too hard. Just enough to relax me and hopefully get into my system to make me feel better.

I bought some candy and a ‘delish’ stromboli from Walgreens. Never again on that stromboli. It was terrible, I expected it to be bad simply because it was some unknown brand and I tend to default into pessimism with it. But this was terrible. Very, very terrible.

But I also bought candy, yet oddly enough I am not in the mood to eat it all. I wonder if it is because of the ‘delish’ food or not.

Work went well. My save rate was 67 percent. Not great, not terrible. I don’t care if it is mid. I am just glad I am back at work and being productive with something. I also finished my homework that was due today. I have some due on Sunday which I will chug out tomorrow during my lunch break. Along with making a note to call the Doctor's office on Monday.


apocalypsesweet: From the Virgin Suicides, a pair of bandaged wrists covered in bracelets. (Default)
apocalypѕe ѕweeт

January 2013

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